Honkandholler Time

I was just thinking…

honkandholler — Thu, 28 Jan 2010 04:34:27 +0000

Remember the movie, An Officer and a Gentleman? You probably never saw it, since you don’t care for movies, but there’s a scene at the end where Richard Gere comes into the mill and swoops “white trash” Debra Winger into his arms and carries her off while all the women in the crowd yell and cheer. So romantic, and every woman’s fantasy, that some prince will come to claim her to live together happily ever after. Occasionally it flashes in my head I might one day find you at my door, holding flowers, grinning that goofy grin, surprise, surprise, I had to come back because without you, I’m not complete. Right. But you did bring me roses last Valentine’s Day, so I know there’s romance stored in you somewhere. Alas, I’m left with this little poem for you for now.

Titty bars

and jailhouse walls

gambling halls

and junky cars

at the end

all you seemed to know.

Secrets

lies

mysterious sides

I never knew

and when

all of it

closed in on you

Houdini!

poof!

a cloud of smoke

you were gone.

(some poetic license taken, with apologies LOL)

Time for some dinner, and then off to the Sports Page for a brewski!

Wake up call.

honkandholler — Wed, 27 Jan 2010 19:01:57 +0000

I was in the middle of editing my poetry manuscript a few minutes ago when I overheard a comment on one of the soap operas (forgot to turn the TV off). The actress was telling someone in the room that “a woman likes to feel like she’s valued in a relationship, and expects the man to pursue her if he wants her. If he doesn’t, then she won’t hear from him.”

Fate. Karma. Kismet that I should overhear these words, no? And of course another wake up call for me. Of course you don’t value me; I was too easy. I thought initially I could be totally honest but come on. I’ve been around long enough to know a man loses interest when the chase is over. One more step forward in the healing process. If you want me, you’ll come back. If not, so long, farewell, by the by.

I found this great word game at the thrift store; it’s titled “William’s Wit Kit”, subtitled ”create your own Shakespearean insults”. It has over 400 magnetic words from Shakespeare’s works (his actual plays contain over 10,000 insults!). So now instead of verbalizing my anger, I just dump the words on my desk and put together a sentence with the words that fall out. Today’s sentence is, “enormous creeping chameleon keep worm away.” No cheating. So far my favorite new word is “pestiferous”. More fun than the crosswords you once wanted to work with me. What, did you think I was your ex? That’s what you and she did on Sundays you once said. Which “ex” I don’t know. At the time I thought it was your wife but now I realize it could be one of 100′s. Thousand’s??!! Too funny. Man, oh, man, if I had just joined the Navy when I was young. Then I could have a guy in every port too LOL.

I spent a few days with sis last week; Tucker had his 6th birthday party on Sunday, and I came back yesterday. Such a magnificant child. Sis showed me a picture you sent her of you and Montana. Why would you do that? Was the the secret reason you even tolerated me, so you could get to see her? I’m sending you a new picture in case she’s your “true love”; course Otto will kill you if he ever thinks you even looked at her. And I won’t tell LOL. I know you really liked her.

Enough of my blog for today. Got to get back to my poetry manuscript. I finally got me some new ink cartridges so I should be able to print and do a final edit by the weekend.

Just think, this time last year, we watched the Super Bowl. Can’t believe I watched all that football/baseball/horse racing/golf, ad infinitum, just to be near you. Oh what a silly girl I am…

OK, I give up.

honkandholler — Tue, 19 Jan 2010 16:47:03 +0000

It is beyond my comprehension that you and Eddy have been so cold and callous. For a while, I was so fearful Joe that you were sick or in trouble, but now I realize for whatever reason, you had to disappear from my life. I still can’t accept it. Even as I write this, I can’t believe it or understand it.

Thank you for two warm wonderful years. I will remember the good times and try to block the not so good. Be happy.

Peace and love always,

Joyce

Rainy day Sunday…

honkandholler — Sun, 17 Jan 2010 14:12:10 +0000

But it’s just so pretty as I look outside my window and see thousands of perfectly round tiny balls of raindrops clinging to the trees. Most people would think of the rain as dreary, but I love days like this, when I am alone with my thoughts and reflections and can at last feel some inner calm. I read something yesterday that stuck with me …an ancient Chinese poet Tschen Tschi Ju writes “grant yourself a moment of peace and you will understand how foolishly you have scurried about…be kind and you will realize that your judgement of others was too severe…”

Hope this day finds you happy and calm as well. I have been busy getting some things together to take to sis’ next week. Tucker’s birthday party is Sunday (#6, unbelievable) and he has dictated that I come. Otto got on the phone last week and apologized (yes, I’m still in shock) and asked me to come visit again, so we’ll see how it goes. Here’s a picture of his present (‘course I have to bring Cole something too hee hee). I got them a chia pet (remember those?) figuring they would be fascinated seeing the seeds sprout. Tucker all of a sudden has taken a liking to soft animals, so I got him this handmade sock doll at the thrift store. It even has a little handmade slingshot in the back pocket. And the colorful goofy looking one Cole will love.

Speaking of the thrift store, I have been extremely lucky to find some great collectibles. Here’s a picture of one of them – it’s a set of wooden painted Russian “nesting dolls” of Russian leaders from Stalin throgh Putin(?). The men in my life for now chuckle chuckle. I have found 2 Tomy toys from the 70′s and 2 very collectible Raggedy Ann banks and some other stuff. When I return from visiting the boys and sis, I will list them on EBay and see if I can pick up a few dollars. I really really need some new tires, and my clothes dryer finally died.

Time to get started on my projects for the day. Hope you are having fun wherever you are. Hope the slots are hot and the women cold LOL. Remember, one joy dispels a hundred cares (more Oriental wisdom). Relax, let yourself heal.

Little boy blue…

Beautiful bright warm sunny morning.

honkandholler — Fri, 15 Jan 2010 15:58:35 +0000

Good morning! We seem to be headed out of the “Big Chill” (great movie, BTW) at last, and even the pending rain tonight can’t cast a shadow on the beauty of THIS morning. I think I’m over the worst (hopefully!) of the Effexor withdrawal and it is wonderful to feel so alert and alive again.

My therapist told me I was improving nicely. My regular MD called me at home yesterday and talked to me at length. The tests she ran to see if I was bi-polar or manic were all negative. She agreed with me that the Effexor was not only too strong but was definitely the source of my highs and lows. See, all those years Lori accused me of everything weren’t really my fault, after all. Same with you. Your actions and non-actions caused those reactions in me. I’ve come to realize that last year with you had become a fountain overflowing with stress and grief and worry, and I couldn’t keep my head when all around me people were losing theirs and blaming it on me (to slightly paraphrase Kipling’s IF; go read it; it is a wonderful poem). I got so paranoid wondering what was truth or lies, who you were with, if you were planning on leaving me without a word, and I could go on and on. It should slapped me upside the head (reality, that is) when you were looking in CT and MA on your Singles membership that you had no intentions of a future with me. You gave me all the signs, I just didn’t read them. I’m the kind of person you have to be verbal with; I don’t take hints even when I know they’re there. And though I’ve come to realize the casinos are your mistresses and gambling is your true love, it broke my heart that you could not even extend me a hand in friendship when I was so totally overwhelmed with pain and loss. It is just beyond my comprehension that you could not even do that. I know I continue to beat that dead horse. I know you were overwhelmed at the time as well, but that’s where you and I differ so dramatically. I don’t shut myself off like you do. I’m not being malicious when I say you are extremely selfish when it comes to getting what you want. I gave in to your needs and what you wanted, foregoing my own, just to be with you. And Eddy is so much like you, but I think you underestimated just how much he missed Andy and how lonely he was when they broke up. Even now he sits around and listens to those sad country songs he downloads from Pandora’s. Maybe you should reach out more to him on an emotional level rather than financial.

Enough of that. Let me recommend a movie to you and the kids – it’s titled “The Cove” and it’s a documentary about the slaughter of dolphins in a city in Japan. Amazing. Kate especially I think would like it, and it’s available to rent. I hope wherever you are, you are warm and snug and happy.

Ahhhh, the irony…

honkandholler — Thu, 14 Jan 2010 06:05:04 +0000

You do realize, of course, that I’m not really sending these emails to you per se. It’s just my way of kinda thinking out loud and confronting my emotions. I am still in total shock that I could have been so very very wrong about a person. You knew all along I was just one of your temporary fixes that you could use and then retire and leave without a word. But it is a shock that I let someone use me that way, gave such trust and love to a guy who is so cold and emotionless. It must a death all its own, to go through life so devoid of feeling. I know now I don’t love YOU, I loved the person I THOUGHT was you. I have no idea who you really are. Ironically enough, Eddy seems to be the person I thought was you – at least that’s how he describes himself in his Singles profile – “loyal, easygoing, good morals, looking for similar for long term…” Not verbatim, but close. You should quit blaming your younger brother for everything LOL. Using him to cover your tracks, tsk, tsk. Ironically, again, there was no need to hide anything from me.

OK, on to the casino trip. Miserable, miserable, miserable. Room was very very dirty, bathtub stopped up, hardly any one at all there, and the whole place is just dying on the vine. I checked out late yesterday afternoon, cutting my trip short a day. The atmosphere there is just so tense and the employees act like lambs about to be slaughtered. I think their days are numbered. The whole place just seems dirty and dingy and has really gone downhill. I couldn’t even access my players’ points because the computer had mysteriously erased all of them. When I left, I laid my players’ card and bonus points and promo coupons on a hosts’ desk and bid them a fond farewell. I guess I’ll have to find my kicks on Route 66 as the song goes. One positive note – I met a very nice guy from Meridian who gave me this great t-shirt. He flew on Air Force One as part of the Presidential Crew training personnel. Talk about giving you the shirt off your back. And he had no ulterior motive other than just being a nice guy. I guess anyway. I don’t seem to be able to tell when someone is lying or deceiving me; but if I stay trusting, then I’m the one better off. Don’t you agree? I refuse to get bitter in my old age LOL.

Look at this great little slot machine I’m attaching a photo of. I was going to surprise you with it, but…it works great! Put a coin in it and if you win all the money comes tumbling out and the light comes on at the top. Otherwise it keeps your money and serves as a little bank. Fun little slot machine.

My eyeballs are crossing I’m so tired. Today was so busy getting some stuff done, and tomorrow I have therapy. Lori’s treating me to a spa massage, eyebrow waxing, hair, just about a whole day, so I’ve got to get up early.

Weather was beautiful today too. The South seems to be coming out of the deep freeze and rain on the way. Oh well. I love a good rainy day too.

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Oh, just one little thing…

honkandholler — Mon, 11 Jan 2010 16:36:29 +0000

One parting thought before I hit the road…

If a fat girl has car trouble and is stuck on the side of the road, will anyone stop to help? Or will people laugh and pass her by?

Superwoman but no Superman

honkandholler — Mon, 11 Jan 2010 16:21:41 +0000

Happier days were here back then..

See, we did have some fun on occasion!

Monday morning and sunshine!

honkandholler — Mon, 11 Jan 2010 15:59:20 +0000

Good morning!Full shine today, but still cold, but doesn’t matter – in 4 hours or so, I’ll be at the casino heating up the tables and slots! Wish me luck! If that’s where you are, hope you are winning BIG. If you’re on the slopes, hope you’re on the advanced course. Don’t forget your chapstick and sunscreen.

Eddy still refuses to talk to me. That’s ok; he’s a strange bird and I know it’s not just me he’s angry at. I think he’s mad at the whole world. He’s such a great guy (or has the potential to be). I hope he finds someone; I know he’s lonely too. Tell him to quit listening to those sad country songs and play some Leonard Skynnard or Hank, Jr.

I dreamed last night my blog was read and someone gave me a D+ LOL. Now even you know I’m a decent writer, and I’m so full of ideas these days. If you happen to ever run across a hand-held microphone/recorder, pick it up for me. I’ll pay you for it. Now that I’m one less for you to help support, you should have some money LOL.

Well, the number 21 keeps turning up. My Sam’s gas yesterday was $21.00; a purchase at the Home Goods store was exactly $21.00, and a purchase at CVS was $21.35. Looks like a round of Blackjack and a “shot” at the craps table. Too bad you won’t be there to help me win some dough. I need tires, an oil change, my dryer died, my camera died, so what else? Maybe it’s time for some good luck today! You betcha as Palin would say. Did you hear the interview about her last night on 60 minutes? Oh, of course you didn’t.

Keep ‘em rollin’!!! Got to head ‘em up, move ‘em up, get ‘em out, Rawhide!! Remember that old series.

Have a great fun stressless day, baby Seal!

Earlier, when I was getting ready to leave tomorrow..

honkandholler — Mon, 11 Jan 2010 05:32:50 +0000

I found myself packing food for 2 to take to Philadelphia tomorrow. Remember how you always fussed at me for taking too much but we always wound up eating it anyway.

Our “spilled” bucket top 12 list:

1. Never went to Vegas

2. Never went to Reno

3. Never went to St. Louis

4. Never went deep sea fishing

5. Never went to see Willie

6. Never met Kate

7. Never met Montana

8. Never went to Colorado

9. Never went to Chicago

10. Never went to Alaska

11. Never rode in your boat

12. Never made friends with Eddy

Are you never going to give me another chance?

Today was better. I am feeling more clearheaded every day. I’m telling you again – no anti-depressants! Unless of course you’re totally psychotic tee hee.

Hope you had a great day, baby Seal. Night. Wish me luck tomorrow.